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 * Article feature date: 7 January 2009
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7 January 2009
What is this? My dinner? You call this my dinner? This is a turd on a plate, is what this is. All you do is just lounge around all day, waiting for me to come home so you can take a half hour out of your day to cook little turds and put them on plates... just for me. I feel so... Fucking... HONORED!

Oh, so now you're going to start crying? Well, here's another iron to throw on the fire: I married you just for your looks, and now that you're old and decrepit, I have no reason to be happy with you anymore. I'm the real victim here, Marlena, can't you see that?

And what do you mean this isn't my house? Dammit, woman, I don't care who's house this is, or what your real name is, or which three-digit emergency number you've called, or how drinks you think I've had, I am hungry!

Hey... what's this, now? What are you doing in the corner there, kid? You find something compelling about this scene? Hey... why so serious, kid? Come on and lighten up, there's plenty to just laugh about in the world! Ha ha ha! HA HA HA!! (more...)

Chuck Norris (U.S. accountant)

 * Article feature date: 8 January 2009
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8 January 2009
Charles Parnell Norris (born March 13, 1944), known to friends and family as Chuck, is a Certified Public Accountant from Wilmington, Delaware. Norris has had an unexceptional career in accounting, and is utterly at a loss to explain why people have been making fun of him since the early 1980s.

Biography

Early life

Norris was born in the small town of Lewes, Delaware, on March 13, 1944, the third of four children. His father, Ellsworth Q. Norris, worked at a warehouse where toy cars with chipped paint were stored until they could be shipped back to the manufacturer for repainting (toys with different defects were stored in a separate warehouse across the street). His mother, Pearl Norris, was known for making "the best darn tootin' apple cobbler in Lewes."

Norris was a B student, but received high marks in mathematics. At age 18, he made the bold decision to "move to the big city" of Wilmington (pop. 72,000), a decision for which his mother would gently chide him for the rest of her life. Norris found employment at the small CPA firm Lee, Gracie & Seagal, where he continues to work to this day. (more...)

The Female Drivers' Guide to the Road (American Version)

 * Article feature date: 9 January 2009
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9 January 2009
Are you a woman? Do you drive? If so, don't let your natural destructive behavior behind the wheel of a large vehicle discourage you from participating in one of life's joyful freedoms. This online guide to the rules and regulations of the road, written especially for women, will both enhance your knowledge of driving while allowing you to transport a hyperactive, nonathletic, possibly unanimously hated child to soccer practice in your over-sized SUV without incident. Not only will you drive safer but you will progressively arrive at your destination quicker with every try! (more...)

Why?:Is my molten steel bill so high?

 * Article feature date: 10 January 2009
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10 January 2009
Okay, let's see... gas is up this quarter, but electricity is down. Good, that'll be the new water heater. No add ons on the cable bill. Guess everyone took to heart my lecture on using pay-per-view without permission, for once. Phone bill up again. Meh, teenagers, what are you going to do? Internet looks okay, that just leaves insurance and... what the gosh darned heck? '''$168,000 for molten steel? '''

Alright, family meeting, right now!

Part One: The Moral

Have people not been watching the news or something? Or did everybody conveniently forget there was a financial crisis on before turning the molten steel-o-stat up to a kajillion? Maybe you may think that I'm just made of white hot liquid steel? Go on, have some on me! (more...)

Youth

 * Article feature date: 11 January 2009
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11 January 2009
Youth is considered the period of time that starts at birth and ends with the onset of adulthood. On a purely mental basis, some people retain youth forever - but its definition is inherently chronological. Youth slips away from us all, whether we like it or not. Despite claims that youth is "all in the mind", it's really nothing more than a calendar hanging on the wall with a beginning and an end.

Youth: For Males

Being A Little Baby

The larval stage of development for Human males is unique. While being completely helpless and at the mercy of your parents, you're also faced with high expectations. Males are expected to be Heterosexual and breed children themselves, ensuring that parental desires for a false sense of immortality are satisfied. Males are also expected to develop into Doctors, Lawyers, Lobbyists and other professionals to earn high salaries in order to return the investment that a parent makes in their development. (more...)